Journalism at its finest

Was Jesus a Pens Fan?

The recent discovery of an ancient Christian text is threatening to force Christians and sports fans alike reconsider their worldview.

Last month, three fragments of a what is believed to be an ancient Coptic manuscript were discovered inside of a waste bin in Pittsburgh's Consol Energy Center. Though small, these papyrus fragments, deemed The Gospel of Mario Lemieux, include phrases suggesting that the historical Jesus was in fact from a family of avid hockey fans.

While Christian tradition has always maintained that ice hockey did not come into existence until the nineteenth century AD, said one prominent papyrologist from a Pennsylvania community college, this newly-discovered gospel seems to indicate that at least some early Christians thought otherwise.

These fragments lend credence to the popular notion that Leonardo Da Vinci painted a hidden Penguins pennant in a lesser-known piece portraying Jesus, Mary, and Joseph at their home in Nazareth. One Art History graduate student even claims that Perugino's Delivery of the Keys originally portrayed Christ handing his favorite hockey stick to St. Peter, but that several decades later it was altered at the orders of Pope Julius II, best-known as a patron of Michelangelo. This covert alteration of Perugino's painting represents the expanding power of a Church terrified of all things threatening to orthodoxy, said the student last week.

Not all scholars are convinced of The Gospel of Lemieux's authenticity, however.

There's just too much evidence to the contrary, countered an Internet theologian. Take the widely-accepted Protoevangelium of Lord Stanley. According to it, Jesus was actually from Montreal, and would naturally have been a Canadiens fan, and certainly not a Pens supporter.

Others point to the also recently discovered Gospel of Jesus' Wife in conjunction with The Secret Gospel of Ovechkin. While one seems to indicate that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, the other clearly states that Mary was a staunch Washington Capitals fan.

No self-respecting Capitals fan would ever marry a Pittsburgh supporter, Jesus or not, said one Washington DC resident. So if Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, and Mary was a Caps fan, then Jesus couldn't possibly be a Pens fan.

Professor Kyle Broflovski, however, maintains that Jesus and his family were Pittsburgh fans through-and-through. Of course you can't prove that Jesus wasn't a Pens supporter! Just like you can't prove that Moses didn't play center for the Lakers!

Biblical scholars are now investigating Professor Broflovski's claim regarding Moses' basketball talent.