This post in no way reflects the views of PepsiCo et al

Have You Accepted Mountain Dew?

Soda as a Drink, Faith as a Lifestyle

Note: Do not worship Mountain Dew or any other beverage. Most mainstream faiths would consider this to be heresy and/or blasphemy.

"X isn't a religion, it's a way of life," or so I have heard about various mantras. It just seems like such an odd thing to say. It's kinda like saying, "Mountain Dew isn't a soda, it's a drink" (or, "Mountain Dew isn't a way of life, Joseph, it's just an inanimate beverage, grow up!"). Mountain Dew is a soda and a drink, because a soda is a kind of drink. In fact, it almost seems insulting to Mountain Dew to think of it as just a drink. Mountain Dew is more than a drink. Yes, plain water might be enough to keep you alive; and yes, Chik-fil-A lemonade might be delicious and excessively sugary1. But Mountain Dew far transcends the sweetness and drinkability of other drinks; it is, to me, the pinnacle of beveragedom2.

Some other people out there prefer Dr Pepper or Fanta; I've heard that in some far-off, backwards countries the people even drink Squirt. These may not be my all-time favorite drinks, but there are thirsty individuals out there who consider one of these sodas to be the carbonated beverage, and I respect that. And even though I personally disagree with the decision, I can respect those who opt out of soda all together (whom I deem carbonatheists). But to claim that, because Mountain Dew (or Dr Pepper or Fanta or Squirt) is a soda, it can't also be a drink like lemonade or water is... Well, that's just a failure to recognize what soda is.

To consider soda and all other kinds of drinks mutually exclusive is to have a very close-minded attitude toward soda; and to call Mountain Dew just another drink because you like to take a sip of it now and again without setting down the other soda (or other drink) in your right hand is insulting to those of us that live and love Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew is a beautiful and multifaceted beverage. Everyone has their favorite flavor3 - there's the classy Diet Dew connoisseurs, the energetic Voltage-drinking crowd, the Code Red folks that consider the rest of us gravely dimwitted for learning about Darwinism4... I myself prefer the original while respectfully disagreeing with the other schools of Dew-thought. But all of us true Dew fanatics would agree that it is degrading5 for someone to talk to us as if our beloved beverage is just a side-drink to be sipped on at only the most opportune moments between gulps of his or her preferred glass. And all of this applies not only to Mountain Dew, but also to Fanta, or to Dr Pepper, or to that foreign pop from Asia you find interesting and exotic.

It might surprise you to hear that during all of this, while it may have seemed that I had been hired by PepsiCo6 to advertise Mountain Dew (oh, by the way, try the White Out flavor - it's out of this world), I was actually talking about religion. "Religion" and "way of life" are not mutually exclusive terms. Then why do so many people hereabouts seem to see them as such? Well, it's a product of a certain mindset. Some people think that religion should be confined to an hour on Sunday. In turn, others feel afraid or embarrassed to live or express their religion outside of their homes or families or places of worship. This is an unfortunate development in our cultural way of life. For the follower of any individual religion, that religion should be his way of life. If it isn't, the he should strive to make it his way of life, or else abandon it entirely in favor of another religion or way of life. If (after diligent research, of course) you find yourself disagreeing with your faith or rituals, don't cut out pieces of it and replace them bits of another religion, a religion that you call a "way of life" so as not to feel weighted down by doctrine or rules.

I would never tell someone to leave their faith, I prefer encouraging them to learn more deeply about it to facilitate a more learned and serious decision. But if you have good reason to dislike Christianity as it is, don't adulterate it with incompatible foreign doctrine. Or if you truly disagree with Catholicism, don't intersperse opposing cultural or denominational morality into the pages of the Catechism. If Judaism, or Buddhism, or whatever isn't correct, don't mold it to your idea of correct. Go out and find what's correct. And, perhaps most importantly, never mix one part Squirt into three parts Mountain Dew, because the Dew is fine - no, perfect - as-is7.

1. Actually, I personally recommend the diet lemonade at Chik-fil-A. There is such a thing as too sugary.

2. Let me just take the time to say that any neologisms in this blog are free for the rest of the world to use as if they were perfectly cromulent.

3. Flavors - also known as Dewnominations.

4. This might be a bit of a low blow. If so, I apologize.

5. Or, in this case, Dewgrading. Yes, I'm hilarious.

6. Hint hint, PepsiCo

7. This extended metaphor was far too long, far too imperfect, and far too sugary. And for that, I also apologize.